How to get what you want: top negotiators on the tricks of their trade
01-12-2015
Want a pay rise, a new job, an amicable divorce... or just for your kids to eat their dinner? A divorce lawyer, hostage negotiator, parenting guru, broker and retail expert show you how
Growing up, it was just my mother and me. She was busy and stressed, so from an early age I took on responsibilities. Later, I would always be the one in the group to sort out difficult situations, either by being stroppy and making a fuss, or by brokering a deal. As a student at Cambridge, I successfully took up the cause to get mixed bedsit sharing for students at Queens’ College.
My father was from a Pashtun family, and he had a political and legal career in Pakistan. Being mixed race gives you a degree of detachment and an awareness that there are very different ways of doing things, and that you have to accommodate all of them to get a good result.
My career started in commercial law with Linklaters. I started working in family law only on my divorce, when my own lawyers hired me to work for them. In the beginning, before I had a portfolio of high-profile cases, what made me successful was that I was bringing that very deal-oriented approach to family law, which was a unique perspective at the time.
Clients often come to me saying, “Well, I just want to make him or her pay” or, “I just want to drive them into the ground.” Emotions can completely derail any sort of sensible compromise. It’s also common for people to fixate on details. I’ve had people fight over furniture, coffee machines, even ski suits. Those items become sticking points, because they are in some way emotive. I advise them to forget about the small stuff and just focus on getting what they want.
People need to set out clearly what their bottom line is before discussing anything. One thing that can be quite useful is to give away some of those little things you’re both fighting over: it’s all part of the trade-off.
Being combative doesn’t help: it’s better to be good-humoured. It’s important to give the other side the impression that they’re not getting completely hammered into the ground. Because, ultimately, negotiation is a consensual thing.
How to create a win-win situation Set your limit Once you’re clear on what your bottom line is, you have to be willing to walk away, and to demonstrate that. If you’re playing chicken, with two cars driving at each other, the only way you can make absolutely sure you’ll win is to visibly throw your steering wheel out of the window.
Use your emotional assets Guilt can be a very potent factor. Sometimes a person will feel so guilty about having run off with someone else that they’re prepared to give away the farm. Playing the injured victim can work, subject to not being cruel to people. Using all your assets, including emotional assets, is fair game in this situation.
Stay calm Anger and revenge fantasies can get in the way of what you want. I like to remind people of a Chinese proverb: “If you go out to seek revenge, first dig two graves.”
Don’t sweat the small stuff Let them have all the box sets or vintage china: focus on the big picture.
The hostage negotiator
‘I started using hostage negotiation skills with women I dated. Sometimes that worked, sometimes it blew up in my face’Photograph: Antonio Olmos for the Guardian
Christopher Voss was lead negotiator for the FBI International Kidnapping Response before setting up the Black Swan Group, a company that applies hostage negotiation strategy to business. He has worked on 150 kidnappings worldwide, including that of US journalist Jill Carroll in Iraq in 2006, and other crisis situations, such as the 2002 Washington DC sniper murders. My father was an entrepreneur, so I grew up thinking about negotiation skills from an early age. He had a small distributorship for an auto company that relayed parts for Shell Oil, so he was in commodities and also customer relations.
Whether we like it or not, kidnappersare commodity dealers. If you look at the hostage situation in Syria right now, they have a commodity – which, frighteningly, is people – and they are using it to get the things they want. You can use what’s going to hurt their business as a lever.
There are two kinds of hostage situations: uncontained – kidnapping – and contained, where you have the bad guys surrounded. The poker-faced adversary is actually pretty rare and found mostly in kidnappings. They tend to feature the mercenary, the guy with ice water in his veins.
There’s a list of nine skills the FBI teaches, including active listening, empathy, rapport and behavioural change. You use them like the different clubs in a golf bag. It’s dependent on how the other person responds: you learn which skill will keep the conversation going.
I had a background in law enforcement and became a hostage negotiator because I wanted to get involved in high-risk crisis situations. I loved it, and I instinctively started applying the ideas to other areas of my life. I started using hostage negotiation skills with women I dated. Sometimes that worked, sometimes it blew up in my face.
I like to define negotiation as emotional intelligence on steroids. The key to success is navigating the other person’s emotions. In a hostage situation, emotions might seem to be larger than normal, but it doesn’t mean they’re any different. I do think introspective people make better negotiators because they think about human dynamics more. They don’t miss what’s going on.
People think it’s all about compromise, but that can be horrible: you end up with two half-baked ideas. Imagine a man who wants to wear brown shoes with a suit and his wife wants him to wear black shoes. The literal compromise would mean him wearing one black and one brown shoe.
You need to observe and listen carefully to the other side in a non-threatening way. Overdo it and the other side will feel your scrutiny, which is unsettling. There’s interesting data out there that says you’re six times more likely to make a deal with someone you like.
How to handle a difficult situation Stay neutral Don’t push people to say yes right away, or they’ll get defensive. If you pick up the phone and a stranger is on the line asking, “Would you like to make more money?” you just know the rest of the phone call is going to be painful. Start with open-ended questions instead.
Don’t be afraid to admit what you want If you’re too scared to, you’ve taken yourself hostage. Instead of thinking, “Oh, no, if they find out what I want, that gives them the power to say no”, think, “Telling them what I need gives them a reason they have to give me what I want. If they can’t give me it, then we can’t make a deal.”
Be flexible Negotiators have a saying: “Never be so sure of what you want that you wouldn’t take something better.” This is why listening is vital. Pay attention and there’s a good chance, if the other side trusts you, that they’ll reveal something that will make you better off than you expected to be.
Don’t focus on winning If you’re listening out for the gotcha! moment, then the other side is going to sense it and not trust you. Most people think, “If I win, then the other side has to lose.” But if you’re open to them being better off as well, then you’re more likely to build trust.
The parenting guru
‘A lot of parents think they need to be negotiating everything when, with younger children, you often just need to set a firm rule and stick to it.’Photograph: Antonio Olmos for the Guardian
Elizabeth O’Shea is a mother of four who runs parenting courses for Parent Gym, the Parent Practice and the YMCA. Back when I had my last baby, I also had a two-year-old, a four-year-old and a six-year-old. My youngest is now 18. I think that’s given me a good grounding in understanding how to negotiate with children. I started running parenting courses in 2000 for the Home-Start charity, then with the YMCA I worked with expectant parents who had experienced abuse or neglect in their own lives. Now I create tailor-made courses – for example, this afternoon I’ve been with a family with a two-year-old and a three-year-old who aren’t sleeping.
In the past, parents didn’t have outside help – we just got on with it. But families now rarely live close enough to be able to access that casual passing on of wisdom between generations. Generally, people seek help only when they’re desperate; nobody likes to feel as if they’re a bad parent.
The younger your children are, the less negotiation should be going on. A lot of parents think they need to be negotiating everything when, with younger children, you often just need to set a firm rule and stick to it. For example, bedtime shouldn’t be negotiable.
Pre-negotiate tantrums. The first time, you can’t do a lot about it – you weren’t expecting it. But you need to plan ahead for when it happens again. Talk to them and ask questions. “Next time we pass the sweets at the supermarket, what might you feel like doing? And what will happen if you do that? How are you going to behave instead?” You’re creating a picture in their mind of future behaviour without explicitly telling them what to do.
One of the biggest battlegrounds for all ages is screen time, be it television, computers or mobile devices. Screen time is like a plug-in drug and children find it almost impossible to manage it on their own. If you give them half an hour or three hours, that will never be enough. So you need to sit down and discuss with them how much time is reasonable and set parameters about when and where – say, no iPads at mealtimes or upstairs.
With teenagers, you have to try to negotiate as much as possible. Parents often mistakenly believe they can control teenagers, but your aim should be raising someone who can set their own limits. You’re preparing them for leaving home one day, and you’re not going to do that by setting hard-and-fast rules and regulations. Let them earn more freedom gradually if they demonstrate how responsible they can be.
Ultimately, with older children, it’s better to structure your negotiations around asking questions about what they would do in various scenarios. For instance, “If a boy pressurises you to have sex by saying: ‘You’ve got to do it sometime, it might as well be now’, how might you respond?” Having a two-way discussion is a better way to negotiate behaviour than telling them what to do.
How to negotiate with children Ask questions Children like to feel they have a say, rather than just being told what to do. So if there is an impasse, help them to come round by asking questions such as: “Why do you think we have introduced this rule/you’re not allowed to do that?” Really listen to their point of view and ask how they think everyone can get what they need.
Negotiate ahead of time For example, if you have a fussy eater, rather than having every meal be a battleground, sit down and discuss what each person in the family will and won’t eat. Then create a meal plan that addresses everyone’s tastes. It might end up being a limited menu, but it works.
Set consistent limits This is especially important with screen time. If needs be, buy a timer with a 10- and five-minute warning. Of course, they’ll soon learn how to adjust it and cheat, so set your own watch, too. If they won’t stick to the time, make it clear their future time will be reduced.
Negotiate sensible curfews Talk to teenagers about what you expect from them. Suggest a time for being home – say, 10pm – and let them know if they do it regularly, you might discuss making it later.
The broker
‘If you’re negotiating on pay, express what you want in terms of the other person’s needs, not your own.’Photograph: Antonio Olmos for the Guardian
Clive Rich is a negotiator who has brokered deals with global companies from Apple and Yahoo to Tesco and Simon Cowell. He is the author of The Yes Book: The Art Of Better Negotiation. Researching the people you’re negotiating with is crucial, whether it’s a company or your next-door neighbour. Spend time finding out who you’re dealing with, then moderate your behaviour accordingly. There are observable types we all recognise – for example, the big picture thinker, the detail fiend. Try tuning into their wavelength, rather than just doing what you always do.
Everybody is naturally good at some parts of the process, and oblivious to others. Some are brilliant at preparing and hopeless at bargaining, some are brilliant listeners but can’t bid for toffee, and some are good at creating harmony but all at sea when facing a tough guy. Knowing how to read people is vital and that’s counterintuitive for some negotiators, because we all have a tendency to be stuck on broadcast, to be focused on what we want and on price and logistics. A good question to ask the person you’re negotiating with is: “Why do you want that?” People are usually asking for something for an emotional reason, rather than a purely financial one. They might want a certain sum because it makes them feel reassured, or it could be for something practical or because they fear going into debt. If you open up that emotional agenda, you create more options for doing a deal than if you get stuck in your fixed positions.
I did research with YouGov. It revealed Britain loses £9m an hour from inefficient negotiation, so clearly there’s a need to do it better.
How to be a winner at work Put yourself second If you are negotiating on pay, it’s vital that you express what you want in terms of the other person’s needs, not your own. Again, it comes down to research. Find out what the boss really needs and use that. Don’t go in and say, “I want X amount, because I think I deserve it/I’ve been working too much overtime.” Instead, say, “I need X salary because that will enable me to apply myself fully to the project you want me to do/will help the whole department get stronger and compete for resources within the company.”
Have other options You’re never as desperate when you’re in the haggle if you’ve got a plan B. Think about what options you still have if you don’t get what you want – it gives you confidence.
Don’t talk yourself down before you even start Ask for what you really want. A lot of people think, “OK, I was going to ask for 100, but the other side will be really cross with me, so I’ll ask for 60 and see how I get on.” You’ve already given away 40% without the other side doing anything.
Set a time frame for a decision If I think it’ll take 20 minutes and you think it’ll take six months, we already have a mismatch. Don’t be scared to come back to the person if they don’t honour this, and say: “We did agree we’d settle this by…”
The retail expert
‘All you have to do is ask. There is an art to it, though. Do not go in, fall in love with a pair of shoes and ask for a discount.’Photograph: Antonio Olmos for the Guardian
Justin Preston is a businessman and co-owner of Allens of Mayfair butchers. He presents Channel 4’s Britain’s Secret Shoppers, a guide to buying wisely. I was 11 when I made my first successful deal. I had a paper round and my brother and his friend would come with me. When I was offered a second round, I took it on, they did the work and I took 50p commission. I thought it was a great piece of work.
When I left school, I wanted to be a journalist, but after I took my A-levels, I worked at Smithfield meat market in the holidays and I loved that buzzy world, the banter, the early-morning life, so I became a trainee butcher.
The core of me being a great haggler is that I always want to win. But I also love telling stories, talking to people and finding out about them – those are all essential in successful bargaining.
Negotiating is an important part of everyday life. Even at home, you’re trading all the time with your family and kids. If you say to your wife, “Can you pick up the stuff from the dry cleaner’s and I’ll run the kids home?” that’s a trade. We’re all pushing and pulling to try to get the best results, either individually or as a team.
In theory, trading is all about buying as low as you can and selling as high as you can. But it’s a lot more complex than that. The way you negotiate with someone with whom you may have an ongoing relationship is very different from a one-off transaction, such as buying a house or a car. If you get an extraordinary deal, you might see it as successful, but ultimately that person might turn round and bite you. When I bought a house, I got a fantastic deal, but when we moved in, we found that the seller was so aggrieved, she’d taken away all the fixtures and fittings, even the brass window handles.
British people are embarrassed by haggling. They feel it’s this shameful thing that means you’ll look poor, whereas my mindset is, “Yes, I can’t afford it, but I bloody want one.” If your first attempt at haggling doesn’t go well, relax and come back in a day or two. If you were learning to ride a horse, you would pick yourself up and try again. Haggling is no different. Walking away and coming back is always a good strategy.
The TV show came about after I told a producer I’d once got my wife a discount at Christian Louboutin. She refused to believe all you have to do is ask. There is an art to it, though. Do not go in, fall in love with a pair of shoes and ask for a discount when they can see you’re already emotionally attached. That is what people tend to do. Then they top it off by mumbling, without making eye contact, “I don’t suppose there’s any chance of a discount, don’t worry if you can’t…” You’re putting the word “No” into their mouth.
Far better to chat to the assistant first and find common ground, just something casual. They will feel more connected to you – it’s human nature. Then you can say, “I love these shoes, but they’re out of my budget. Is there anything you can do?” If all else fails, flirting usually works. Or talking about football.
How to get a good deal
Talk to the right person Make sure the person you’re asking has the authority to give you a discount. They may not admit this, so if you get a no, ask to speak to the manager.
Bulk buy If you’re buying a single item, offer to buy something else as well in exchange for a discount on the whole. What you’re offering is to put more money in their till if they take a little off the margin, which is an attractive deal.
Offer cash This won’t work with most businesses, but may sway a builder or a small shop owner.
Get your timing right If you’re buying a car or other high-commission item, asking for a deal near the end of the month, year end or financial year can reap rewards, as the sales person will be trying to hit their targets. Go in a week or two before and keep going back, so you build a relationship and get a sense of how much they can move on the price.
Be flexible The more fixed you are about what you want, the worse the chance of getting a deal. This is especially true of things such as holidays. If you want to stay at Sandy Lane in Barbados over Christmas, you are not going to get a discount, ever. But if you are flexible about where and when, then you can talk deals .
